Our New Normal

Isn't it funny how sometimes something can be right there in front of your eyes and pretty obvious for a long time and you don't even see it?

That's what happened to me. I didn't see that Noah might need a much less traditional path than we were already on. I thought we were being open-minded and proactive with his progressive school and top-notch specialists, but it wasn't exactly what he needed, at least this past year. I still feel a deep pain and disbelief that we are no longer part of the school community that we called "home" for so many years. I miss them, and the future that I thought we had together. I don't fully understand why things unraveled as they did last September, but what I do know is that even in such a wonderful school, he wasn't thriving. Each year the tears remained, the worries compounded and Noah's self-image sank a bit lower.

I've never ever pictured myself as a homeschool Mother. In fact, just like so many, I skeptically eyed homeschooling, wondering how a child could ever get the learning and social skills one would need in life.  Now of course, after living a year as a homeschooling family, I find my early worries laughable! Not only have my concerns about education and socialization been flattened, I've been truly taken by the MASSIVE AMOUNT of opportunity, community and the quality of education available out there.

So what happens when the way you thought everything would be just.... falls through?

Well, you have to be willing to bend and to allow yourself to re-think, re-plan, re-work all of your expectations, goals and dreams. That took a lot for me to do, especially because we were at the same school since Noah was three, and I fully expected him to graduate with all of his friends. I had imagined the ceremony many many times. It was a dream.

Now that the new school year is upon us, and Noah is not in a place where he can go back to school, I have come to accept that we.have.a.new.normal. I've come to realize and embrace the reality of not having a neuro-typical child and honoring his unique needs. (For those of you who might not know, Noah has ADHD- inattentive type, Anxiety and is 2e.)

Hi. My name is Lauren, and I recently realized that I am the parent of a child who has a different set of needs. Maybe even more importantly, I realized that I have to stop struggling to make him just act like all the neuro-typical kids. It's far better to laugh and accept and joyously search for the best-fit path, than to wear myself down fighting it. THAT awareness has made all the difference in the world.

Some days I feel exhausted, especially when Noah resists doing schoolwork for me.  Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about the vastly different life I used to have. Somewhere there must be more help, as we have yet to find just the right mix of  support, but I know we'll get there.

I also know is that Noah is a very caring, gentle, sweet boy who has always had a most sensitive heart. He loves animals and helping others. He worries about people's feelings and the world.  He's never been one for competitive sports or being too rough and tumble, but if you need a listening ear or a word of encouragement, Noah is your guy. This knowledge makes the hard times worth it.

 

So what this mean for our new normal? It means we have to re-think every single thing we thought we knew about parenting our child. It means that we have to learn to be even more flexible, even more open to different routes and paths of doing things. We have to change our expectations, not goals. Noah can still do anything at all that he sets his mind to, but our expectation of straight lines to get there, they have to become more fluid.

It means that we can never give up on finding the right situations to best help our child. It means more appointments, it means being ok with and thankful that we can allocate some of our income to helping him. It means learning how to advocate for Noah, asking for more help, and to find more support. It means that I make less excuses, more boundaries. It means that Jon and I can't let the stress of our new normal get the best of our marriage. It means being ok with the sad feelings I have when I see happy families on Facebook doing all of the things that I wish we could as well, but not letting those feelings overwhelm me. It mean taking care of all of us, extra. It means letting Noah know that HE CAN DO IT!!!! \(^0^)/

As August rolls in, I don't know what this year will bring. I have a feeling some of the same, but also, good things as well. I feel more hopeful and stronger than I did last year, and for all the hardship and tears, a lesson was learned - one of gracefully embracing whatever life brings you.

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Brief Home Buying Insanity, Anxiety & the Clothing of Annie Hall. Plus Birds and Cats and Crafting of Course.

Dear Internet, 

I know that the format of most of my recent posts have all been the same lately - mainly boring photos and their equally mundane descriptions. But, it's summer, so I plead your forgiveness. 

There's just so much going on in summer you see. At least in these northern parts. When it gets cold, it stays cold, for a long long time. When warmer weather rolls around, everybody just kind of packs in all of the outdoor adventures and and visiting that they can. 

I am hoping though, with fall's arrival, that I'll get back on a better writing schedule. 

In the meantime, here is some more of what we've been up to.

Last week, for about 24 hours, I went into a state of compete home buying insanity. I am....ashamed.  Although I love our current house, and I feel strong attachment and responsibility to her, for one, brief day, I was unfaithful. I lusted after another house in a nearby village. 

It started innocently enough. I was searching for a link for last week's post on the Village of Franklin. Franklin is the smallest, most quaint and lovely little village around. A place that I've wanted to live in for years and years. We're talking decades. I've always been enamored with the old time-y sweetness of the place. It's even called: "The Town that Time Forgot." Which says to me: "Perfect, let's move there."

Jon and I settled on living in our our current city, which is not Franklin, because Franklin was a bit too slow for Jon's tastes, and I'm sure that my years of enthusiastic Franklin pushing must have been annoying. Being the super nice guy that he is, I known that Jon would have humored me and would have moved to Franklin had we not found a great house where we are now, but I felt it was important to live somewhere that we BOTH could feel good about. So, Franklin was taken off the tables during our last move.

While searching for the Franklin link last week, one of the results that came back was from Zillow on current Franklin homes for sale. Naturally, just for fun, I clicked through! And there it was... a beautiful, beautiful, HISTORIC home in my tiny, little dream neighborhood. Which, the neighborhood only happens to be just about three streets big, so it's not often that you find a house for sale in just the right place and just the right perfect. It was light and bright and from 1840 (WOW!). Also, it had the handful of things that our beloved current house does not have, that we would really like.... ie.) a bit more space, a two-car garage, a finished basement, formal dining room, more than two bedrooms, several bathrooms, and presumably more than just the two interior temperatures of burning hot and freezing cold. 

(Photo: Zillow.com)

Don't get me wrong, let me re-iterate how much we adore our current humble abode, it's just that sometimes the prospect of having somewhere to put your second car inside during the icy winter, or the thought hosting Thanksgiving not in your kitchen is just so enticing!!!!

We looked at the house's photos, read the description, talked about it. Did some math. Then I convinced Jon to take us over after dinner for a wee look. We first stopped at an old farmhouse in Franklin that was converted in to a coffee/ice cream shop. It's just a street away from the house for sale. Noah had an ice cream cone and I coffee. Then we walked. We walked down the quiet dream neighborhood street, admiring the large trees and cute, old houses. I was so excited. I imagined Noah riding his bike up and down the block, and me, happily living in this peaceful, secluded neighborhood.  Hanging seasonal garland along the house's white picket fence. Wearing more flannel, and almost never leaving the house. I might even give up my cell phone! It would be so old-school New England. Just.the.way. I. want. it.

My eyes were welling up with tears when we saw the beautiful, yellow house up ahead. Both because I thought, Ah! IT WOULD BE SO WONDERFUL TO LIVE HERE! and also because I felt, Ah! I feel so terribly guilty thinking about any house other than my own! 

By the way, just to explain the attachment to our present home - I feel a true and deep sense of obligation to our house to both appreciate it and keep her safe! She is sitting on a downtown lot, and there are not many residential lots in our downtown. It's sadly popular here to tear down small, old houses and build giant new ones on the lot. Our house is historically registered, so technically, you can not tear it down, at least the original front portion. The last owner fought the city and tried to get plans approved to remove the house and build something bigger. They were rejected. Then he brought forth a plan to turn our house, the front portion into a GARAGE and then to build a big foot house in the back. Those plans were not approved either, thankfully!  Fast forward about ten years.... I have heard that once in a while, a historic designation can be removed, and a home can be torn down. So, my fear is that one day, if we ever moved, somebody would not want our little home, but our lot, and would fight to take her down. That would break my heart. So, that is why, we feel like we're her protectors. That and the fact that when we got her, our little house was leaking and tattered and empty. She needed major TLC and we'd hate for anybody to neglect her again. But who can we trust? Also, it was a miracle that we got this house. It's a long story, but so many things from numbers to timing to selling our old home to the construction work aligned in perfect synchronicity.  So, I am still to this day amazed and in awe and thankful that it all happened.

* I just stopped and hugged my house.

ANYWAY, we walked past the Franklin house and I was so excited and giddy and then as soon as we passed, completely feeling guilt-ridden and suddenly homesick for our little home. It had been a trying week where our upstairs, despite our A/C, was incredibly hot and humid and our downstairs like an icebox. There were just a bunch of other small things breaking or needing repair. And sometimes when issues pile up, it causes you to MOMENTARILY lose sight of how you truly feel.

Long story (kind of) short, we were quick to realize that our house was home, and that we'd be crazy to give up on her. Even more so, as we pulled up in our driveway after coming home from Franklin, it was immediately apparent just how sad we'd be not to live in our little, yellow house. She's part of the family! 

(After walking past the Franklin house, we walked over to the most famous spot in all of the village, THE CIDER MILL!!!! One, month! Just ONE month before she open again!!! I can't wait. All my life I've been coming to the Franklin Cider Mill in the fall. From September through November, for decades they've been serving hot cider donuts and crisp apple cider. It's the BEST!)

(This is the little stream at the cider mill that spins the big water wheel that used to power the mill.)

Other things that have been going on is seeing friends and having visitors. Lots of socializing! In the past eight weeks, I've counted NINE, little visits from friends and family that live out of town. And this doesn't include the local get togethers we've been doing. I love seeing people that I care about and appreciate their effort and interest in visiting us too. I always have such a nice time talking and catching up. The only thing is, is that I'm completely, 100% an introvert.  A few hours of socializing and I'm totally exhausted. It was funny, my cousins were in town and came to visit from 10:00am - 5:00pm. That evening, I sat down on my bed at 7:00pm, fell asleep and didn't wake up until the next morning! It's really that bad.

My friend Laura, who visited me from London this past spring, and knows me so well, posted this illustration of "A Map of the Introvert's Heart" to my personal Facebook page. It's by one of my favorite illustrators, Gemma Correll, and sums up an introvert's heart quite well I should say!

(Photos link to Gemma's art on sale at Society6.com)

It's so much fun because seriously everything that Gemma comes out with, (web site HERE)  I can relate to! She's funny and honest, talented and.....just understands.... :)

I want to share a couple more of my favorites. Please stop by her blog too,  it's really great and cracks me up!

(Here is Gemma's hilarious and relatable piece entitled: 

"i broke a promise to myself to never make one of these posters." 

Ha! Um....yeeeahhh.......

Also:

"If I was a Wrestler (it's probably for the best that I'm not)."

For the record, Gemma also makes art on being a crazy cat lady and pugs among many things. 

Speaking of crazy! So I have this little rule, for anything in life, if two or three people randomly, in a completely unrelated way, mention the same book, movie, store, product, etc. to me in the span of a fairly short time, I owe it to myself to investigate said mentions. I've never regretted this. I believe in synchronicity and maybe even "signs" from the universe! 

Recently, I've come across several mentions of the 1969 classic book  "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes.  Ann Landers touted it as a "Revolutionary new method for over coming fear and tension" on the cover.  I've heard several people mention this book as one of the top publications on anxiety, even 45 years later! 

Then, this week while reading one of my favorite blogs, Anxiety Guru, the author of the blog, Paul Dooley, listed Hope and Help as the first book on his list of Seven Essential Books that Will Transform Your Anxious Life." (By the way, please check out Paul's podcast the Anxiety Guru on iTunes. It really is super informative and great.)

After reading about Paul's recommendation, I felt like I had to investigate this book once and for all. It was available on Amazon for just $5, plus I had free shipping, so there was not much to lose!

It arrived today, and I can't wait to start reading. I've skimmed the book a bit, and love how anxiety is referred to as "nerves" and "tension" in such an old-school way. Without the modern psychology of our current times and without all of the research and new understandings, we'd be nowhere. Sometimes though, I feel like simplifying large, complex issues like anxiety, and boiling them down to the basics like "nerves" and "tension", it just makes everything easier to face head on sometimes. I want to know about my nerves and just start there. Do you know what I mean?

For example, I know without a doubt that my anxiety is triggered more than anything by feeling stressed and too busy. That's a simple understanding. It's usually fairly easy to cut back on stress and commitments and therefore help keep my worrying more manageable. Simple concept can sometimes be the most helpful!

Also, along the lines of "nerves", I've been watching some Woody Allen movies lately. My favorite movie of all time is Annie Hall. Hands down. Woody Allen movies are nice because they remind you that you're not the only one needing an analyst.

For those of you interested, I've started an "Annie Hall Style" board on Pinterest. I'm challenging myself to recreate a couple of  the iconic Annie Hall outfits. I will never look as good as Annie Hall did, but it'll still be a fun project. Did you know many of the "costumes" that Diane Keaton wore in the movie, were actually not costumes at all! They were outfits that Diane put together herself, from her own closet! Pretty cool! Diane has always been one of my style heroes. She's so original and unique!

By the way, for my birding friends, I'm sitting here on my couch, typing and overlooking our backyard. We have a family of robins living in our trees. Their "teenager" birds are adorable, and I've enjoyed watching them grow this summer. I just looked out and saw the mother Robin on our lawn with several of her babies hopping and flying around her, checking out the grass and eating berries from a nearby tree. The mother bird sat in the grass in the sun, outstretched her wings and began "sunning" herself! It was a great site to see! The funny part was, down came two baby Starlings then, looked at the mother Robin, and then one of the Starling chicks began to copy her! Outstretching HIS wings too!  It was SO CUTE!!! She just looked at the Starling like: "Huh!?" :)

Lately I've been craving some creative time. I miss that I don't "make" as many things as I used to. For whatever reason, I haven't been crocheting as much, or making as many window decorations. I used to sew and create all kinds of things! I'd really like to get back to it. Much of my spare time is spent on the blog these days. I intend to find more time for creating too.

I'm not very good at Perler (a.k.a Fuse) beads. Noah loves playing with them. This week I tried my hand at making a hanging Perler bead heart ornament. They're really fun to use!

It's been months and months since I've made paper decorations for our front windows. I used to make and change them each month! Because I start from scratch, no pattern or template, it usually takes one to three days to design, cut, glue, decorate and hang five windows worth or more of these little paper decorations. I know that they look simple enough, but I have to cut out things like watermelon seeds and sunglass frames and sunglass lenses one by one with scissors. It's a lot of fun. Next month, for September, I vow to make an apple-y school theme! Ooooh. Maybe I should do a cider mill theme too!

This month the decorations were quite simple. When you stand back and see them in all the windows though, it looks kind of cute. :)

By the way, while we're on the subject of decorating the front of the house.......  I came across this idea for a wreath made out of extra yarn on Pinterest. Isn't it cute!? I'd love to make one of these for January or February. After the Christmas decorations come down, I'm always needing to come up with some "wintery" decoration themes.  Anyway, just wanted to share!

Hector REALLY likes Noah's small slot car set. He naps o the tracks. It's kind of funny.

Well, until next time! Sending lots of love and summer cheer. I hope your start to August has been great!

xoxoxoxoxo, 

Lauren 

Excuse Me, Could You Please Remove Your Latex Glove from My Driveway?

I'm getting a meowicure. Fish scented nail polish!

Hello internets. I would like to tell you an important story today.......

There was this shriveled latex glove that was kind of sprawled out across the end of our driveway over Christmas break. It was there for a good week before the glove slowly migrated into the street, across the street and then just disappeared one day. When we first saw it, we were like: "Eeeww. Oh my God! Who would put that there"!? And I asked Jon why in the world would there just be a random latex glove at the end of the driveway and WHAT were they doing with it? 

It was all gruesome looking. You know, like it was dirty and lewdly gesturing somehow.

Honestly, the dark possibilities of what it was doing before coming to live at the end of my driveway seemed endless. Little vignettes flew through my mind at lightening speed. 

Doctors wear gloves - prostate exams!

People at the Red Cross wear gloves - Blood donation!

IV drug users wear gloves......wait, do IV drug users wear gloves? Drugs!

People mistaking a latex glove for a condom....... Penis!

All I know is that it was disgusting and freaky and THE LAST thing I was going to do was pick up was that IV drug user's doctor's fake condom. And, since there was snow on the ground, there was no stick around to pick it up with.

I think Jon felt the same way if  I had to guess. And then, I don't know why, we just got busy with the holidays and it snowed and we were outside less, and just.....nobody remembered to call the hazmat team to come pick it up.

But when I was outside, coming or going, I'd see the glove as it migrated, always remembering to carefully step over it, letting out and audible : "Siiiiick"! And hurrying away.

Despicable. I know.

Eventually, one day, a few days after the dangerous glove had rolled across the street, it just disappeared. I was relieved.

And then yesterday, something dawned on me. HEY! Wait a second.......! That was OUR latex glove!

DUH!

Let me explain. Two words :   Kitty. Litter.

Once we I finally decided to have a professional abatement team come in and remove the small areas,  of undisturbed asbestos from our basement, I was finally feeling ok and willing to regularly scoop the cats instead of Jon.

That was. Until.  We  I got the idea that the air quality guys should come BACK and test for radon. Which they did. and.of.course. it. was. and is. a. tiny. bit. high. Because why wouldn't something just be asbestos free , radon free easy?

So now I'm still a little afraid about regularly going down the basement, but the readings were barely above average, and even the air quality company did not recommend rushing to fix anything.  If I can't always control the environmental factors though, at least we can wear LATEX GLOVES!

Because you KNOW....... microscopic cuts on your fingers? dry, cracked knuckles!? Taxoplasmosis!

"Carelessly handling cat litter, which can lead to accidental consumption of infectious particles".

Uh huh.  ACCIDENTAL CONSUMPTION OF INFECTIOUS PARTICLES. You heard me right.

So, the moral of this story is, if you find a latex glove on your driveway, before your are so quick to judge, stop and ask yourself, "Is this MY latex glove"? Sometimes the answer will just surprise you.

A New Year. Part One: No You Can't Catch It From a Toilet Seat

I remember being a little girl, in maybe 4th or 5th grade. There was a psychic on the television predicting a world invasion of aliens for the year 2000.  It was the Oprah Show, so I assumed it must be true.

This prediction scared me, scared me a lot.  I worried at home, and I vividly remember being worried at school.

One day, I was on the playground. One of my classmates' parents were getting a divorce. I don't know why I remember this, but a teacher who was on recess duty that day, was talking to the classmate and I, and teaching us how to spell the word "divorce".  D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
But, then, in what I can only imagined was a panic-fueled, less than  appropriate topic change,  I brought up the whole alien invasion of the year 2000 thing. The teacher gave a big laugh and "Oh pshawed" me all the way to lunch. Alas I was left to figure this out on my own.

I decided to do a little math, in hopes of elevating my extraterrestrial freak-out.  "If the invasion will take place in 2000.... and I was born in 1977.... I will be......I'll be TWENTY-TWO in 2000"!

Wow, I thought, I'll be twenty-two when the E.T.'s invade.  I'd be an ADULT!
That's it, that's the answer. I'll be an adult in 2000, and when the aliens take over,  I won't be afraid because when you're an adult, you aren't afraid of things. THIS was my plan.

That helped to dilute my worries about Y2K alien attacks.
Then one day in 2001, out of the blue it just hit me: Oh my god! We were never invaded!
To be totally honest, I was actually a little surprised that Oprah's psychic turned out to be wrong!

(This is my friend and college roommate Caroline and I on New Year's Eve 2000.
No alien invasion.

Fast forward, and today, it's not the year 2000, it's not even 2010 anymore, it's 2013! (Btw- PHEW! I was a little concerned about the whole world ending on December 21st thing. Were you?)

The fact that we're thirteen years into this century already, and that I still don't feel like a fearless adult....it makes me feel a tiny bit like a failure to my nine-year-old self. I'm sorry nine-year-old me! I'm still kind of a big chicken and an alien invasion would probably send me running!

This worry didn't start from out of the blue with the unfortunate alien episode. It began a long, long time ago........
My parents couldn't leave me with babysitters, or drop me off at school without a major tears. I remember crying so hard at drop-off in second grade, that I couldn't catch my breath. Do you  know how embarrassing that is? The good news is, by third grade, my teacher couldn't take the daily crying anymore, and she made a calendar with special stickers for each day that I didn't cry. The calendar, AND mostly just my anxiety quieting down for a while, did the trick to stop it.

But, I have always been a worrier.  I've been petrified of death since I started obsessing over it when I was six. Key word, "obsessing".  I couldn't sleep for a while. I'd have this reoccurring dream, that even now, as an adult, I can still remember.....

I'd see six-year-old me, lying on a beautiful, pleasant, green grassy hill, up against a nice, perfect looking tree. I'm just enjoying the sunny day. It's me, alone on the hill.
But soon, I start to feel the loneliness, and then, just like in movies or on Google Earth when you begin to pan out from above,  the image of myself would be come smaller and smaller and smaller, as the dark vastness of the lonely universe was getting bigger and bigger. I would feel tragically alone. My dream would speak the same message to me every time......"You are alone in it all. This is life and this is death. You are insignificant. You are a speck in a billion trillion.....floating in the vastness."

I think that an  EXISTENTIAL CRISIS is a difficult thing for even adults to deal with. This sent six-year-old me for a real loop. I still think of that dream today. I really do. Although, I like to hope  that the message was completely wrong. I think it was.

The way that I finally got out of that whole existential/death worry loop (at least when I was six), was that my Mom finally PROMISED, swearing up and down, that when she died, she would make a giant sign out of foam core board that said : "LAUREN, I'M OVER HERE"!  She promised I wouldn't be alone, and being that we were all desperate to just sleep again, I took her word and tried to move on.  I also figured, that if you make it to a ripe old age, maybe.....something in your 80's or 90's.....that then, you're such an adult, you've lived such a full life, you're so wise, that you know not to fear death. So it is my hope, that this scenario ends up being true. I don't want to be my 90 year-old self, writing a blog post saying: "I'm sorry thirty-five-your-old me! I'm still kind of a big chicken...I have let you down".

Before I get to my New Year's intention for 2013, which ties in with the whole anxiety thing, I want to share one more oh so fond memory cringe-worthy story of what it's like being a kid with an anxious mind.

So I was twelve and I was rollerblading in my neighborhood, and rollerbladed past the house of a boy that I knew. He's outside playing, we talk for a while, and seriously, don't ask, but this boy ends up giving me my first kiss. All I can remember thinking is ....."Eeeeew, lips are like escargot. sick"!!!!
And also, I thought his cassingle of "Bohemian Rhapsody"was kind of cool.

Anyway, eventually, I Rollerblade away, but quickly begin to PANIC! Because, days before, I had accidentally tripped and fallen and had bitten the inside of my cheek. And although it was probably healed by then, my twelve-year-old brain decided to panic because you know......HIV!

*STOP* Just so you know, I have always taken HIV and other diseases very seriously. I'm not joking around about any of this. It's a serious disease, it's just ME who was acting ridiculous.

This is what happens to you when you're born with an anxiety disorder and you grow up in the 1980's.
There's no way around it, you have to panic about AIDS.

ENTER! The National AIDS Hotline!  Cue the angels and the harp music. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

I just might be, the only twelve-year-old in American history, to form an addiction to calling the National Aids Hotline.

I came up with THE best HIV questions and THE BEST transmission scenarios. AND, I have to say, those hotline employees were pros! I love them. I love you! I love you so much. Thank you, I owe you so much. They were all great, all amazing and patient. Seriously, I couldn't have survived the summer after fifth grade without you.

An ounce of education is worth an hour of not worrying! (That is, until....you start worrying about it again..)

As a side-note, the other coping mechanism for the summer of the bloodborne diseases was VHS tapes of Anne of Green Gables.
Luckily, my parents gave me a small television and a VCR for my bedroom. And even more luckily for me,  the library had a million copies of several seasons of Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea because you know,  THERE WAS NO HIV IN TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY PRICE EDWARD ISLAND! Duh!
Did you know, if you become obsessed with  watching Anne of Green Gables videos, you can almost imagine that you are living back then, at a time when there was NO HIV to worry about!?


So what does being an anxious kid have to do with anything? Well, a lot , because that anxious kid unsurprisingly turned into an anxious adult.  An anxious adult who is ready to really get her "what-if" thinking and her worry-worry-worry-stress-stress-stressing finally into check this year.

There have been times in my life when the anxiety wasn't SO bad, but really, the past nine years have been a never-ending battle with worry.  I'm exhausted, I haven't felt like the REAL me in such a long, long time. The real me is super silly and happy and creative and free! I can pinpoint the exact moment that the anxiety came whirling back in 2004. I can tell you about that another time, but it begins with the doctor's words at one of my prenatal appointments: "Just a harmless heart arrhythmia".  Which, he was totally right, it was nothing! But...sometimes when you're told you are having a heart arrhythmia, and you're there alone and you go home to all of your pregnancy books and you start googling and you find out all of the things that COULD go wrong....sometimes you start to worry, and it all snowballs.

I think that day, getting the ball rolling, followed by a mishap with anesthesia on the operating table at Noah's birth, and my changing hormones and brain chemistry, and all of the HUGE changes in just 18 months (a move across country TWICE, a marriage, a baby, a house)..... it was just the perfect storm for creating anxiety again.

Things were out of my control. Things were new, things were stressful. Most of all, I went from a healthy, vibrant  20-something, to a person who had faced a dangerous, potentially life-threatening moment in surgery, who was already feeling anxious as it was. Before, I used to feel strong and young, like nothing could hurt me. Heck! When we lived in California, I literally had a THREE MONTH headache and never once did I think brain tumor. (It turned out to be sinus/allergy stuff.)
Sadly, after becoming a parent, not only did I suddenly feel my mortality, and the true fleetingness of life , but l  I felt desperately responsible for staying safe and healthy and here for my family.

There are more stories about a long and interesting adventure, trying to fix the worry. That's for another day. All I know is that this is a new year! This is MY year! This is the year that I figure out how to give my buddy anxiety some time off! WOO HOO! LET'S DO THIS!

I have been planning like crazy. I have intentions, steps to take, resources, motivation! That'll be a part -two of this New Years post.  Let's just say that I am RE-INVENTING my life, and how I live day to day! This is going to be fun guys!

But, I'm looking for my gang of gals (and guys) who might also be experiencing anxiety also. I think one of the very best things about the human experience is connecting and sharing in ways that can help each other grow. If you have experienced anxiety in the past, of have anxiety now and would like to help each other build new, less-worried lives, please feel free to join in! Sometimes just having a hand to hold, makes it feel so much easier. :)

Well, it's time for me to go refill my humidifier and a have little saline mist!

What? I didn't tell  you?

Oh. Weeeeeell, so last night my nose bled a tiny bit. And since I'm always worried and hyper-vigilant about excessive bleeding and bruising as signs of a disorder or disease, I naturally freaked out.
I called Jon and asked him what the humidifier on our furnace was set at, and he was like "NOTHING".
And I was like...."What"!?
Yeah, it's Michigan, it's been freezing cold for a long time, the heats been full-blast for months and nobody turned the humidifier back on.
I'm hoping dry air is the cause of said nose blood.

I went out this morning and proudly marched into the hardware store for a new humidifier filter thing-y, so now we can get it back on!  I also stopped on the way home for some moisturizing saline mist, AND a personal humidifier thank you very much!

See that?  That's a very flattering self portrait of me and my humidifier and my new saline mist. WOOT! Awesome, right? Are you as excited as I am!?

Here's to new friends,  moist nasal passages and a FANTASTIC, worry-free 2013!!!!!!
xo