Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Long Road Home. Well, sort of. Like, To a New Home.

We've been in our house for just over five years now, and with each passing year, Jon and I can't believe that we are actually still here. It's not that the house is so bad, but when we signed the papers at the closing, there was a sort of "cheers! To a two year starter home investment, so we can move on up in 06'." Not only have we not moved to something a little more spacious and functional, but this "investment", you know in a supposedly rapidly appreciating neighborhood, yeah, it's now a liability. The value, tanked. Our original 20% down payment, gone.

Ok, so blah...blah..blah.... I've been talking about moving for a long time. And as much as one talks about, that doesn't make it happen. Talking is merely talking. Finally though, I think we're gaining some momentum over here. The NEVER ENDING list of "to do's" to spruce up our current house to even remotely have a chance of selling it in this market is daunting. Last week though, as the thought about the reality of having an only child, in quite a childless neighborhood haunted me, I was freaked out into moving. The freak out got me in gear. When I was a kid, the neighborhood gang, the big group of children the poured from nearly ever house on my street, they, they became my extended family. Seven brother, four sisters, we stayed out and played all day long on summer days , and then came endless kick the can and ghost in the graveyard at night. I want this for Noah. He actually needs these surrogate siblings, so we just need to seek them out.

Jon and I have pinpointed it to three near by neighborhoods. Places with lots of kids and trees and playgrounds. We don't need too much, not very picky about all of this, just something a tad bigger than our current 1,100 square feet, that's inconveniently laid out as a square, a one floor ranch. A family room would be great, something we don't have right now. Maybe a second bathroom, oh gosh, I would really love that. Our house's "third bedroom", we latter realized is just a walk through tiny den. DUH! That's being used as an equally tiny playroom that just barely holds two kids, so playdates are few and far between. So three bedrooms, that might be a must. I'm not interested in another ranch, so we'll look for something two story. My ultimate goal is an older home, a small Tudor or a craftsmen, but I won't only be held to this, as long as it has interesting bones. And if I were to get picky, an attached garage would be just brilliant! And a sun room, like the one I lounged in as a kid....now that would be bliss.

Last night, after doing a drive-by on a lovely cape-cod that's up for sale, I came home and completely emptied and re-organized our bedroom closet. It's almost ready for a theoretically showing, and that feels great. Our "stuff" is bursting this house at the seams, especially the tiny closets, so to get one in check, even that is a great victory for me. One closet down, three to go, I CAN do this!

While cleaning the closet, a small sheet of paper slid out of a purse that I was about to donate to Good Will. It must have been meant to be, a sign, because at the moment, as it neared 11:00pm, that motivation had turned to exhaustion and anxiety, that this project of moving was all too big.
I thought, this one closet is just the beginning, how am I ever going to dig us out of this house, and make repairs and updates, and find buyers in this economy? So the sheet of paper.....it was a list, that I had written a couple of years ago. A list of things that we had to do to get the house ready to sell. It was a loooooooong, involved list. One that was so overwhelming that somehow it was folded up and forgotten about in the bottom of a purse.

But as I read this list, I started to realize something....slowly but surely, without even knowing it, we truly had conquered many of points on the list! I mean, we....we're doing it! The front and back porches were resurfaced and painted....check! The columns were repaired and painted....check! Crown molding put up, granite counter tops are in. A new kitchen sink, and two brand new garage doors. Check, check, check! Shelving for storage has gone up in our basement , and now they're full of neat and tidy boxes, and about a year ago, we cleaned out our filled to the brim garage, that's now organized and presentable.

It gave me hope. It made me see that this isn't an impossible task. I know it might take a while, but....we'll get there, we will.

And now you know.
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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A Boy and His Cat

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Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Cheapest Flight to Japan Ever

Jon took me on an Ann Arbor, birthday extravaganza. Albeit a week late, (not his fault), but just the best day none-the-less. For as long as I can remember, well, for about four and a half years now, I've wanted to peruse Main Street shops and galleries at a leisurely pace, sip on a local latte', and plop myself down to read at Crazy Wisdom, sans whining child. It didn't happen, did not even remotely happen, until now. I'd realized that I rarely ever see Jon during a daylight hour without Noah. Like never ever. It was time, so a trip to A2 is what I requested for my birthday.
*(Ok, the wedding weekend in Pittsburgh does not count as daylight hours. Not really.)

So, after dropping Noah off at camp, we headed to Ann Arbor. But not before an hour's worth of pointless marital bickering, and work emails. We finally made it, Um, but not before missing the exit and then taking a wrong turn, and having to back track for a LONG way.
We get there, window shop, blah blah blah, it was nice. Jon wouldn't let me buy a pink Obama t-shirt for Noah, because it was pink, but I'm secretly going to go back.
I was antsy and really wanting to stop in at my most, most most very most favorite store in town; Crazy Wisdom Bookstore & Tea Room
,which is, according to them is: "a bookstore about consciousness", which I would say is about right. You can find anything and everything on esoteric subject matter, I step in those doors and my brain sings. It's like going to Disney World, but for me! Of course I was too stingy to drop clams on any books that day, and instead decided to start with a reading wish list and consult with our local library. Thank you library. So, in no particular order, here are the books that I am currently drooling over:

Beats at Naropa
A Witch's Travel Guide to Astral Realms
The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America is Tearing Us Apart
Mindfield: How Brain Science is Changing Our World
The Science of Fear: How the Culture of Fear Manipulates Your Brain
My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey

The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology

The God Question: What Famous Thinkers from Plato to Dawkins Have Said About the Divine

The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes - and Why
The Spiritual Brain: A Neuroscientist's Case for the Existence of the Soul
The Outcast: A Novel
Afterbirth; Stories You Won't Read in a Parenting Magazine
You or Someone Like You
(I've actually been wanting to read this book for a month, it's always checked out)

After much time spent pouring over books, and the purchase of a "Free Tibet" pin, and an "All Mothers are Working Mothers" bumpersticker for Jen, we decided to find some lunch. There were big plans for something new, like Shalimar or Seva , but after I received an email to my phone about H1N1 being at Noah's day camp, I headed for comfort food. Enter of course Zingerman's. I mean of course, right? Everything, EVERYTHING that Zingerman's produces is spot on delicious. Never have I seen a company that is so consistent in quality and detail. The visuals, the verbiage, the service, the community involvement and the product. A nice woman in the olive oil and vinegar department gave us a private tasting. Now I know the difference in taste between a six and sixteen year aged balsamic! We drank it right off tiny spoons. Yum!

For lunch Jon and I split a delicious, amazing salad. I can't remember the exact name, but it was spinach leaves with Mandarin oranges, cashews and red pepper flakes. The salad was dressed in a delicious sesame-soy sauce-ish concoction. So good!
Jon chosen had "The Extra Special" and I had a "#55 Gemini Rock the House". Not so sure that the #55 is on Weight Watchers.....

We ate, became completely stuffed and then walked over to Kerrytown for a few. I wanted to stop at a really great store for dresses; V2V. I also could not pass Elephant Ears without going in. They have a whimsical assortment of children's clothing, and some especially cute ones for boys!
I even got to check out the Petunia Pickle Bottom Cake line, which only fueled my fire for one of their Society Satchels as a backpack/purse to carry my camera around in. You see, it can be a respectable, nice looking purse or a backpack. Exactly what I need! I'll take one in Chocolate Cherry Cake or Mocha Berry Cream Cake please! I'm holding out for a good deal on ebay or Craig's List.

After a while, we realized the the day had flown by and it was time to head home. One of us, (Ahem!), yes, one of us suggested that we grab a coffee and maybe a teeny tiny piece of some kind of Zingerman's desert to go. You know, to keep up our strength on the LONG ride home. And that is why I couldn't decide between the Over the Moon Pie and a slice of Summer Fling, coconut and Lime coffee cake. And well, because the coffee cake is seasonal, and won't be back until next summer, we, (Ahem!), just had to take home one of each. And by take home, I mean eaten within five minutes of getting in the car.
*(OMG! Did I just read that correctly? TWENTY SIX grams of fat!? Sh*t. I mean Shoot!)
Ands that's when all the buttons on my clothes popped off and I exploded.

Now here's the part where I get all metaphysical and new-agey on you! So my plan is to try to find all of the books on my book list at the library. Well, I figured that between all of the libraries in my local consortium, I'd be able to get my hands on them, that is except for one:
A Witch's Travel Guide to Astral Realms. Yeah, maybe not. Unless you are a Wiccan librarian, which would seriously be AWESOME, I didn't think many would spend the cash on a book for the collection that would send half the patrons running and screaming for the hills.

No worries I say! It dawned on me that Astral travel, it's either some kind of talent that you have, or you don't. Kind of like the ability to curl your tongue, or pop your eyeballs out and put them back in. I don't reeeally need a book to teach me how to teleport myself, do I?
In fact, I already have traveled the astral skies! "Come on" you say, how can that be possible? "Look", I say, it is scientifically proven that subatomic particals are non-stable. They are constantly blinking in and out of existence.
Where do they go? To a second location before returning? And what about alternate realities? They could be real. My motto is "Never say never until you really think it's a never.".

Ok, so maybe I've never traveled astrally, but I have a story that's almost convincing , and truthfully, who knows, maybe I did.
So one of my best friends, after Jon of course, is my friend Masa. We've known each over a decade now, meeting early on in college. Masa and I had so much fun laughing together, but more than that, I kind of felt like a surrogate mother to him. He came to great, big Michigan State as a little guy, who barely spoke the language and didn't look a day over sixteen. The first week we met, I caught him in the cafeteria putting lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese and ketchup on his hot dog and bun. Which of course has nothing to do with anything except for the fact that he was genius enough to invent the Hot Durger. Anyway, I, being two and a half years older, which at twenty = old, and knowing the ropes already, felt it was my duty to "protect" him. So, I did.
After a five year stint in the states, Masa went home to Tokyo, but I never stopped slightly worrying about him here and there. He's now a "salary man", and you know what that means, working insanely long hours, six days a week, getting no sleep, eating salty bowls of ramen and drinking perhaps, some beer. Can't be safe.

So several years ago, when Masa was not yet a salary man, and merely a kid fresh out of college and working a part time at something or other, I had a dream. It was a very very real dream. The kind that is different in the way that unlike other dreams, this one was so clear, so lived in HD, that you wake up and remember each millisecond with perfect clarity. This was a super random dream where I dreamt about Masa out of the blue. No reason, he just happened to pop up. In my dream I suddenly found myself in a men's suit store, with Masa. I just stood there, silently watching him buy a suit, a nice blue one, with thin, gray pin stripes. He looked happy and healthy and then just as suddenly as I popped in, WHOOSH! I popped back out of the dream and woke up.
It left me with quite an odd feeling. Was that real I thought? What in the world was that strange dream? Usually I dream of my family, or friends I saw that day, or animals or the grocery story. Never boring things like men's clothing stores, and certainly not of Masa too often . So, I decided to give Masa a buzz, just to say "hi". "Masa" I said, "What are you doing?" . And now, I KID YOU NOT, he said "I just bought a suit, I want to get a nice job." And then,I slowly said..."uh...what kind of suit...?!". OMG! Then Masa said : "A blue one with gray pin stripes.". And you can imagine the rest. OMG! Right!? The oddest thing was that Masa wasn't too surprised, as the Japanese believe in many things magic and mystical and unseen, etc.
Proof? Maybe. Slightly intriguing possibilty, definitely.

Just this spring, once again, I had a very short, very real "dream" that gave me a strong and forboding feeling that something was just not right. I was sitting on a train next to Masa all of the sudden. Just sitting there perfectly quiet like "No face" in "Spirited Away". Masa looked exhausted as he rode home with his headphones on. And again, just as suddenly...POOF!

I woke up, back home in Michigan. I sensed that something was terribly wrong and
a call was made to Japan. Unfortunatley there was no answer, so some more calls and emails followed over the next week. I started to worry more and more until I finally heard back about ten days later. It had turned out that Masa had been to the doctor a week or so earlier with numbness in his jaw, when it was found that he had a benign tumor! He went into the hospital right away for surgery and was released after some time. All of this completely unknown to me. My dream happened the day he saw the doctor! It just seems all kind of odd, no?

So, if indeed I was an astral traveler those two time, how awesomely cool is that!? Without a doubt, the cheapest flight to Japan ever.
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Saturday, July 04, 2009

can I do This?

* Originally drafted on 03/03/06, when Noah was 15 months old. I think 1.5-2.5 was just the most difficult. I was completely exhausted and didn't know why Noah was a little more high maintenance then his buddies. It all worked out in the end though. Hang in there 2006 me!
I'm posting old drafts that never made it up on HB.


All of you nice people who keep saying "Oh Noah is such a good boy when I see him". Can you please just stop? I know you are being the nice, loving friends you are, but seriously, believe me..Sarah will tell you, Noah is a handful. There's a difference between a bad kid and an intense kid. Noah is not a bad boy, he's a loving, funny, interesting boy! It's just that he is intense, strong willed, stubborn and driven.

I'm writing this because it's Friday and come 6:00 tonight, that will be 50 solo hours of Noah this week and I'm ready for a vacation. Yes! I know all toddlers are active. They should be called energybots or something. I know your kid ran all over the parking lot and yours hates her diaper being changes and yours only ate Cheerios for a day straight. Noah though, he runs all over every parking lot every time and every house and every store, he has NEVER sat through a diaper change and kicks his wipes off the table each time. He has not eaten and entire meal in over two months. He naps very little, still wakes 2-4 times a night,wakes from naps and in the morning and at night crying to get out of the crib, has tantrums on the floor in public at least twice a day now and has taken to screaming at mirrors. Yeah, I don't get the last one either. He is a hard kid. I'm not making this up guys.

It's my fault. He has my personality. I'm..energetic, fidgety, loud...I have ADD...I'm intense, impatient..ok, he's me. Oh I feel so bad for my Mom now! I'm sorry Mom, I hope I didn't drive you nuts.

I'm going to take a parenting class offered through a near by hospital :Disciplining your difficult toddler. I hope this works. Yesterday at the only place Noah seems content at for more than 30 minutes, the youth room of the library, he had five tantrums. One because I wouldn't let him shut the door to the activity room, one when I put his coat on and three when I tried to get him to leave the train table. He screamed at the top of his lungs, burst out crying, laid on the floor. So embarrassing...dude, we are in the library! Now, what? We have to always stay home because you freak out at the slightest thing? I feel so tired and so trapped.

Today in Mom and tot class I got so much good advice..Sarah gave me great advice on the phone too. I need to let him have his tantrums and work it out, I also need to be firm with discipline. I try, I really do. I'm so jealous of the Moms I know who can go to the store with their child and get the shopping done. I wish I could take Noah to restaurants without fear. There is so much more we could do, like travel, if he were a bit more relaxed. Some moms and tots from our class came early for a little concert of song and dance. Noah was the only kid who wouldn't sit on his Mom's lap and stay. As always, I had to leave because he started screaming when I wanted him to sit on my lap and clap hands and sing. Maybe one of these Fridays I'll just go alone and sing stupid songs with the other tots who actually listen to their Moms. Wow, I'm bitter!

!!! Ok, he's screaming in his crib right now. He's been asleep one hour exactly, only nap of the day so far and it's 2:15. Do I let him cry? I think so. Will he go back to sleep? No, he won't. I just know it. I will sit here feeling terrible for him and hating this for the moment.

Yesterday we ran into a friend. She was talking to my Mom the other day and asked " Will Lauren and Jon have another baby anytime soon"? and my Mom's answer was "no". She was right, I just can't do it. I don't know if I'd even want to. One Noah is enough for me!

I like that he's funny. He cracks me up daily. Noah's very curious and interactive which always makes for interesting play. He's the guy that is always up for anything, so that's a plus. I bet if at 4:00am I was like..Noah! Let's go to Meijers and eat cupcakes and ride the penny horse, he would be ready!

Ok, thank you for letting me rant. Noah's been crying nearly 10 minutes and my ears hurt and I want to throw up and it sounds like he's about to too. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I don't feel any better but maybe I will someday soon.
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Be Afraid, Be very Afraid


top.bush.alito.02
Originally uploaded by bredlo.
* Drafted on 01/24/06 . See explanation of these old posts below.

Look, I'm sure Judge Alito is a very nice and intelligent man. That said...HELLO! He will most likely take many of our civil liberties away! Look, just like someone else we know...Alito has very strong religious beliefs and applies those beliefs to his politics. This is NOT right! Religion and politics should not mix. We are a nation founded on personal freedom. Just because Judge Alito's religion says that abortion and gay marriage is wrong, doesn't mean I should be forced to live by his personal beliefs. I respect Alito and others for having conviction, but I have to say, to each their own. At least the democrats would let us make our own choices..
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Oh, Now I Get it

*This was written on 12/30/05, when Noah was 13 months old. I wish I could tell the old me that it gets easier to carve out "me" time, to hang in there...

Calgon, take me away, far away, or at least 30 feet from the whining. Now I get it, I finally understand why Moms "take baths". You know the scene, hot bubbly bath, candles, aromatherapy, hair up in a bun and NO baby and/or husband to be seen or heard, mostly. I had my very first "Mom bath" today, minus the candles. It was great, just what I needed. I realized that the only place in my home that I can truly be alone and indispensable is in the bathroom. You see, when Jon is home and taking care of Noah, I still feel "On Call". I've never been able to take the much needed step back,
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Lost in Translation

* I was struck the other night by just how many posts we slotted as "drafts" over the years. They've never been published. Some were half finished and forgotten, a few too poorly written, some embarrassing, leaving me unable to hit the publish button. My goal is to slowly publish all of these drafts, even in their partially finished form, like the one below. I think it's important because they provide, tiny, random snap shots into our lives over the past four and a half years.
The post below was originally written on September 3rd, 2005, while sitting in a hotel room in Cleveland, trying to get Noah to nap.

I feel like Charlotte from one of my favorite movies; Lost In Translation. She too was left behind in a hotel room, in a strange city, while her husband worked. The only difference is she was left behind ALONE, with no crying baby...oh! And Charlotte got Tokyo, I got Cleveland.

Jon is working to promote his company at a near by airshow. We were originally coming to Cleveland to see Jon's Grandmother, which we will do tomorrow, but as soon as his boss caught word, Jon was asked to work the show another day.

Now I want to catch the next plane back to Detroit.
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Friday, July 03, 2009












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Monday, June 22, 2009

Ah, to be a kid again...if only for the summer.....

I just picked the guy up from his first day of summer camp. We decided to sign him up at his school's day camp, which is open to the public and has a great mix of old and new friends. I've heard people say wonderful things about the camp for years, but my goodness, now I know exactly why they've been talking. Check out the things the kids will be doing in just the first two weeks of camp which will be "Magic" week and then "Halloween" week:

A magician show
Pony rides (every other week during summer)
Puppet Show (every other week during summer)
Moonwalk weekly
Counselor hunt all over campus
Scary door decorating contest
Halloween costume contest
Trick-or-treating
Dance class
Science class
Drama
Swimming in the pool (daily)
Two snack times
Hot lunch
Games time
Computer Class
Cooking Class
Crafts
Photography Class
Music Class
Pottery Class
Field adventure
Nature walks
P.E.
Oh, and rest/quiet time.



I'm not surprised that Noah is fast asleep. He was pretty exhausted when I came to pick him up. I'll try to upload some pictures from drop-off this morning. He was THRILLED to be back with his buddies.
*! And a BIG thank you to none other than Mrs. Jennifer Livernois for my new, FABULOUS lap desk which I am typing on now! Thanks. :)
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Just a Thought.....a Weird One.

http://www.rollingrains.com/archives/StephenHawking.jpg
I can only imagine how incredibly cuckoo this sounds, but I just have to write it down. Last night I had a dream, or more so, a sentence. It was so loud and real that it woke me up. I had fallen asleep on the eve of my thirty-second birthday feeling slightly depressed, and no closer to any answers than I had been ten years ago. Just like a lot of us, I want to know, I NEED to know the workings of this universe. I need to know how we are here, why we are here and where we will go. No smoke screens, no faith, just hard facts. Truthfully, we'll probably never know for sure, and many will say that this is the way it should be. I beg to differ though, I don't think our world would be a place of chaos, or thoughtless living should we have the answers. Humanity has already reached some horrendous lows. Maybe if we understood the order, what was going on, we'd all live more thoughtfully and aware.

I was watching a program on Stephen Hawking and his "Black Hole Information Paradox". To put it VERY simply; it has been well established that, "information can not be destroyed", but Hawkings felt that indeed, as matter and light were sucked in a black hole, all information would be destroyed, lost forever. Gone!
This sent the physics community into outrage, as Hawkings belief of destroyed information went against many of their core tenants.
Then in 2005, Hawkings publicly retracted his original findings and announced that information could escape along the event horizon, the time/ space line that edges a black hole.

Ok, ok! So what is all of this getting at? Well first of all, I wondered, why are all of those physicists were so completely angry with Hawkings? Each and everyday, scientists from all areas come up with new and unique discoveries that must contradict others. It's part of the process. So why was this pronouncement flipping them out? I also wanted to know what the significance was of this "information" transforming, moving, being destroyed.

Last night in my dream I heard the words over and over "Information is our thoughts, black holes are our consciousness." What in the world does that mean!? Information is our thoughts, black holes are our consciousness. I tossed and turned with this. I stayed up, I didn't want to lose it. I thought and thought about this intrusive statement, and it finally hit me around 3:00am. Of course, they are!
So yes, good thing that information isn't destroyed in black holes, because information is us. Not us, us, not our bodies us, in this case, but our thoughts us.

As crazy and diluted as this all sounds please try to follow along. No understanding of our universe ever began without a seemingly insane thought. Strides have only been made, in all areas of learning with an openness and a willingness to entertain even the silliest of hypotheses.

What if, just what if....black holes and information truly represent more than what we are perceiving? More than an astral phenomenon. More than space matter and energy? Nobody would have thought radio waves were real, they couldn't be seen, touched or heard until we invented a radio transmitter. what if our thoughts have substance? What if our thoughts were yet another form of "information"?

I recently saw a picture of Jill Bolte Taylor, neuroanatomist , holding a human brain in her hand. That brain, it was dead. The brain was just tissue. The energy that physically ran the brain, and ran the body that belonged to the brain, it was gone too. BUT... a person is not just their brain, that is merely a finite object, and a person is not the energy that runs said machine brain, a person, what makes them more unique even than a fingerprint is their thoughts and consciousness.

I don't that think energy = soul, spirit or consciousness. Because, you know, energy is a dime a dozen. It's everywhere, it's constant, it's the same. We're too individual, to creative to be only energy that flicks in and then out over several decades. Our consciousness is too complex to be only energy.

Ok, so back to the black holes. In addition to being astral structures, what if black holes also serve as a kind of conscious or spiritual portal? Eeks! Now how nutty do I sound? But what if!? What if these large, hulking mysteries serve a time/space bending purpose beyond sucking matter and energy in?

Look, these physicists were all up in arms when Hawking said that information would be destroyed upon entering a black hole. By saying that, you are stating that all things, life as we know it can and will be destroyed. Information, I would guess to include on or two spiritual/religious aspects and locations would also be up for destruction. What I'm saying is, Hawkings statement basically poopooed the idea of sustainable religion, afterlife and creation. Then, it freaked out many of the atheists too. It just obliterated everything!

Alright, so black hole, sucking up this and that. What if it also sucked up our consciousness after we passed away. (Come on, it could happen. You don't know.). I personally don't believe in a white fluffy heaven or a hot scary hell. Perhaps a state in between? JUST LIKE THIS ONE? Maybe?) I do hope our consciousness goes on, but I really can't claim to know what happens at all.
But let's assume that our physical brain dies, the energy is released, converted, moves on. Maybe our consciousness is still there.

Where does it go? Who knows, but let's just say it goes on over to a black hole, where it eventually is swirled into the rest of all that stuff, and sent over to the other side.
Hey, crazier things have happened, right?

I'm not saying that I'm correct, or even saying that I think I am correct. What I am proposing is that perhaps with black holes there is more than meets, or does not meet the eye. I'm saying that my dream really spoke to me, that perhaps we need more scientific investigation into consciousness too . I'm also a strong believer in fearless questioning, and not accepting the first draft that is handed to you.

Now that I've dug my cuckoo hole even deeper, the point is, wow, black holes, our thoughts. Just like EVERYTHING in life, maybe, just maaaaybe....there is more to them. Remember, they used to think that the earth was flat, and maybe you would have too.
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Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Tree of Life

Wow! A really great visual representation of evolution. It's all so awe inspiring. Check it out and then play around with the interactive version of the tree HERE.


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