What Having Gray Hair Taught Me in 2013

Hi Silver Sisters, it's Lauren from September 2018!  I have the most amazing update for you - my husband Jon and I have launched our very own hair care line!  I have learned so much on my gray journey, and our new products incorporate all of my "tips and tricks" for making silver hair look terrific.  I am leaving all prior recommendations in place because I hope that they will continue to be helpful to people, and I will continue to use and enjoy many of the products that I have written about in the past. My opinions still stand on them. 

I hope that you will take a look at our new line By The Way, Your Hair Looks Fabulous!™  - it is a complete line of hair-care and styling products made especially for Silver Sisters AND for anyone who wants their hair care to be more natural and more affordable! 

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Guess what!? I can honestly say that this year I've changed. Not changed a little, but changed in some  big, BIG ways! You know how every year , most of us make "resolutions" that always seem to quickly fade away? For some reason, this year was different. This year I feel as though there's been a fundamental "shift," an "aha!"; a turning point.

2013 wasn't a terrible year, compared to all of the things that could have gone terribly wrong. It wasn't a horrible year compared to many less fortunate people's years, but none-the-less, it was one of the most difficult and challenging years that I've ever been through. Our beloved cat Priya passed away in August, and it was the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. Some say that I am lucky in the sense that the largest tragedy that I've ever suffered is the death of a pet. I agree, but the pain of losing our friend of so many years, a pet who I considered my first "child," was just incredibly hard.

2013 was hard. We also thought that Willow had possibly contracted feline leukemia. It thankfully came down to a false positive on a test, but we had to wait two agonizing months over the summer for a re-check to confirm that it was just a faulty test. In that time, we had to test all three cats because it's highly communicable between felines, and it's fatal. I wept HUGE tears of joy when I found out that all three were negative and fine. Now in retrospect, no wonder I came down with the most horrible cold I have ever had in July. It was very unusual for me. I was just worn out!

This year was a time of reflection about my family and a new understanding of the healthiest ways to relate with them. It's not easy to become an adult and realize that you never had the basic family relationships and experiences that many of your friends had and continue to have with their parents or siblings or extended family. I know that old adage that no family is perfect or normal, but without going into it much, it's still difficult.

I finally admitted to myself how sad I am, and mostly just frustrated. Now I need to start working through the past and accepting the present and learning new ways to not let it get me down.
I'm incredibly thankful for the sweet, little family that I have with Noah and Jon, and know that only positive changes and growth can come from the difficult task of sloshing through old feelings.

The last three paragraphs were the hardest things of 2013, but the following is something that was both difficult AND positive.  It's no secret on this blog that I've suffered from worry and anxiety for most of my life. Mainly, I'm afraid to get sick and die! I am not a hypochondriac because I don't THINK that I have diseases and disorders, I just worry about the "what ifs"- what if my eye twitching means a neurological issue?  What if that spot on my arm is melanoma, not a melted piece of chocolates chip that just fell from my cookie ...... these are things that most people wouldn't really worry about, and I rationally get that!

I've tried incredibly hard  for nine years to ride myself of anxiety. Some things have helped, others not so much, but nothing has truly been able to take away the nagging feeling of being vulnerable and mortal in a world where so much can go wrong. The stupid thing is, I'm one of those people who LOVES the concept of "CARPE DIEM"!!!! And "stop and smell the roses!" and I COMPLETELY get the concept of being mindful and present in the moment. I've even read several books on the Buddhist concepts of accepting uncertainty and non-permanence as a normal, beautiful parts of life.
It's not like I don't get how completely wasteful it is to be anxious about things we have little control over. If I could wake up one morning and convince my brain to not think about being vigilant and super safety conscious and responsible and worrisome, I would!

At any rate, in my quest to try anything to rid myself of anxiety, this year I decided to face some of my biggest fears head-on, in a self-led exercise of "exposure and response therapy." (ERT)
I booked back-to-back check-ups with all of my different doctors this fall and made myself go AND ask all of the "what-if" questions that would typically float around in my head, but that I was too afraid to ask about. Thankfully each appointment turned out well,  and I'm fine. But it was about two or so months of worry and sometimes panicked feelings before each appointment or when waiting for test results. In the end I actually don't feel much less anxious, and in fact it spawned new, random things to worry about, but I am proud of myself for facing things head-on, and I am vowing to do this all over again next fall.

Oh! And one more difficult but good resolution I faced this year - exercise! I actually, unbelievably, got into an exercise routine. I'm still hitting the treadmill almost everyday and have no intention of stopping. I feel stronger, more energy, and it helps with the worry! Here's to 2014 on the....um...treadmill!

Ok, enough with all of that 2013 stress-downer stuff, (although retrospection is important) but now it's time for....................................POSITIVITY!!!!!!

(I wish I knew who to attribute this graphic to because it is awesome.)

I need to tell what having crazy gray hair has taught me this year. You wouldn't think that simply changing your hair color would also change who you are! But it did! First though, I want to acknowledge all of the GOOD and POSITIVE things that have happened this year. Things that I'm so so thankful for. First you have the standards: I'm incredibly grateful for the health and happiness of family, my friends and myself! We've been so happy in our little, cozy house and I can't believe that we've already been here for two years. The backyard is our own oasis that I look out at every single day and feel appreciative for. The bird-watching and the random animal watching has definitely been a highlight. Our cats Hector and Willow are happy and healthy. We have a group of the most loving, caring, supportive and incredible friends. I thank my lucky stars over and over for my family and my life the way it is. All this goodness in 2013!

AND.....guess what one of the happiest, most amazing things of 2013 has been!?                                                       

YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!

Yep! It's YOU my sweet, caring, wonderful readers who have come into my life and have made such a positive impact. You make me smile broadly and most of all, you reminded me that I'm not alone in this big old world.  I'm thankful for all of your kind comments and the letters that pop up in my inbox almost every single day. I've made so many lovely new friends, and it's incredible to have a community of "silver sisters".  It's not easy being gray! :)

Because of you, I've now been getting roughly 20,000 unique visitors to How Bourgeois each month! Something I would have NEVER thought would happen just a year ago. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and for connecting, and for all of the from the heart- felt words and encouragement. It means more than I could ever say!!! So.......................................

I really really mean it.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing some great stuff to 2013! :)

Ok, so five things that having gray hair has taught me in 2013:

1.) It's ok to be yourself.  No, really it is!

If you want to be thirty-five with a head full of gray hair, or green hair, or walk around in purple rubber boots everyday for nine months straight, or if you prefer to stay home birdwatching instead being around people, THAT'S OK!

Having gray hair has taught me that there are times when you just need to do what is right for you, and as long as it's not hurting others, you don't have to give a moment's thought to what the nay-sayers think! In the grand scheme of things, you need to care for yourself, whether it's getting rid of the hair dye that you are allergic to, or pursuing a new career or a healthier relationship or whatever! It's all much more important than letting the negative or possibly negative reactions of others stop you from being the most balanced you.

2.) You don't need to be a people pleaser anymore.

I'm still working on it, but I used to to say "sorry" over and over and over.  It was almost compulsive. I'd say something, think it was a stupid statement and finish it with "sorry!" I'd give a gift, worry it wasn't the right one and say "sorry, I hope it's ok!" I'd say "sorry" when people would hold doors for me, and "sorry" to people in line behind me at stores when I would stop to put my wallet back in my purse before wheeling the cart away. I EVEN found myself saying "sorry!" to end-caps in Target when I would accidentally clip them with my basket. That's kind of when I knew it needed to stop. My friends had always told me to stop saying "sorry", and they were right.  The problem was..... I was a hopeless people pleaser............

What "sorry" really means is "please don't dislike me." It means "I'm sorry for being what I perceive is a burden to you, but please don't hate me." Crazy, I know, but also very real for many women. I don't know where it came from, but I have a guess. It was probably a long time in the making.

People pleasing is much more complicated than just saying "sorry" on auto-repeat. It means not being able to say "no" to ANYTHING. It means, in a ridiculous way, actually coming up with obligations YOURSELF that you WISH you could say "no" to at the moment, just because you think the other person would be offended if you didn't ask them!  For example, during a total busy, hectic week you run into an old friend: "Hey! So-and-so, it's great to see you again. Yeah, we should connect more often....yeah....ok....how about Thursday?"  And it's just because I don't want them to think that I don't like them. Which, really makes no sense, because the proper thing to do would be to put out the invite when I REALLY had the time to meet. I love them, but I am too busy, but I don't want them to hate me. It's a vicious cycle.......

It's also forcing yourself to say "yes" to every volunteer opportunity that comes your way. Every party invitation, coffee invitation, request for help, phone call, email and text. I mean OF COURSE it's good and IMPORTANT to help where and when you can, but to always do it, even when it's stressful or difficult, that's not healthy. That's being a people pleaser who's afraid to say no. Or sometimes, like I used to be, some people don't really even know HOW to say "no"!

Btw - I found this AMAZING info graphic on how and when to say "no". I think it's helpful. maybe you will too! I came across it on Pinterest and it is from Live Like You're Rich. Thank you Anita from LLYR, you've just changed my life for the better! :)

So having gray hair taught me that I don't need to be such an exhaustive people pleaser anymore. When  I first decided to go gray I got a lot of "Are you sure?" from well-meaning friends and family and even society. The pleaser in me wanted to continue to use hair dye and henna, so as not to not upset anyone, but soon I realized that even when I went out on a limb and took care of myself, everybody still loved me just the same. Your real friends and family will still be there for you, and will still care. Nobody expects you to live for them all the time. (Well, except for your children!) ;)  It's ok to let the need to please go.

#3.) Life is too short for the energy vampires. We need to hang with the cheerleaders!!!!

Do you know what I found when I decided to grow out my gray hair? The most, I mean THE MOST supportive, positive groups of caring people out there. I joined some websites and online communities like Gray & Proud on Facebook to meet other people who were navigating this whole gray hair thing, in hopes of finding some insight and tips. What I found was way more than just that, I found incredible positivity and support through community! 

No matter what type of community you are looking for, this level of kindness and encouragement is out there. It made me think about all of the relationships in my life, and whether I typically came away from each feeling positive or feeling drained. Thankfully only a few people that I could think of regularly made me question myself or feel worse than when we started talking. 

So what does this mean? Life is too full of potential and wonderful things and wonderful PEOPLE to spend your precious time with those who would pull you down. If there is someone in your life who's this way time and time again, and you've earnestly talked with them, and things still never change..... I truly believe that at that point it's OK to take a step back or quietly walk away.

This is really difficult, but having gray hair taught me that life can be full of so much positivity, that you don't have to weigh yourself down with the negativity anymore. 

#4.) Do yourself a favor and learn to like YOU.  It'll be a lot easier in the long run.

When I was a little girl, from first grade all the way through high school, and even at times in college, I was made fun of. Four eyes, cry baby, nerd and then starting in 5th grade or so....fatso and splat the wonder whale. (By the way,  I was WAY thinner back then, so sheesh!) My Dad was a perfectionist, and I took it upon myself to always worry whether my teeth looked straight enough or white enough. If my skin was nice or if I looked too fat in my clothes. My Mom weighed 113lbs, so there came a time when I could never compete. 

The taunts were relentless. Almost everyday, in the school halls, the classroom, the playground. It was very hard. You'd hope to dodge the meanest kids, you learn the safer "routes" to class. You avoid the bathrooms. You try not to cry when they laugh and point and call you mean names. You get good at pretending to ignore their chants when you ride past on your bike.

I've always felt sub-par in the looks department. I've always felt homely, always wished that  I just looked like everyone else. Why couldn't I be naturally thin? Why can't I just be a little taller?  And most recently, why can't I just have normal colored hair like everybody else!? 

For a time, I felt extra down on myself about my looks. It was especially bad after the the last of a bajillion "natural" hair dyes that gave me an allergic reaction and I had to turn to henna. Henna is pretty cool stuff, but you go around smelling like mud and grass for days after applying the goopey mess, and even if you use the darker, less red, more indigo heavy henna, after two years of use, you'll end up with intensely red hair, whether you want it or not. The worst part was that I had tri-colored hair, white roots, red hair and dark brown tips from the old dye. I felt so ugly and odd looking. One day we went to a children's birthday party and one of the parents asked me why I had three colored hair? I didn't know what to say! And then, the following week I was taking Noah to the pool and the grandfather who worked behind the front desk said something to similar effect. My self-esteem was at rock bottom.

BUT.....the only place to go when you're at the bottom is up! So I surrendered and just went with it, the gray hair that is. The short hair cut that followed took some getting used to. (You don't have to cut your hair. It's an option). Sooner or later though, it was OK. The gray color wasn't the worst. It was better than the henna. And then as it grew past my ears and I could style my hair a bit, it was better. Until one day, to my complete and utter SHOCK, I looked in the mirror and actually kind of, a little bit liked my hair. I mean, I was alright with it, and FINALLY I was able to sigh a breath of relief.

Gray hair has taught me that learning to surrender and like who you are, is MUCH easier than hating yourself for years.  So now I'm like, yeah, whatever, who cares. I'm cool with me. I don't worry quite as much as to whether or not I stack up. I also cared about myself enough to start exercising, and it was NOT to lose weight, but to get healthy and strong. It's true what they say, learn to like yourself first and other things will follow.

#5. It's much more fun and relaxing to stay home on New Years Eve composing a blog post by the fire and building things out of legos with your family and drinking coffee and eating cupcakes than going out to party.

This one is just self-explanatory. Duh.

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So how does all of this translate to 2014? This is going to be the year that I don't apologize for being who I am.  I'm not going to be embarrassed that I have gray hair. I'm not going to feel guilty that I'm an introvert who would rather not be too social (this one I struggle with to no end). I am going to be OK with not answering every call and text and email right away...or ever. Or, I might just turn my phone off and not check my inbox all the time, because living like it's 1980 is my FANTASY.

I'm weeding out the extra things that stress me out or bring me down, to make more time for positive and healthy new stuff, like more time for exercise and less interruptions during the day (please universe, send me that) so I can get my houseWORK and errands and cooking done.  FLYLADY, Monday, January 6th, here I come!!!! A week of un-interrupted "flying" is only like my biggest DREAM!!! LOL.

I'm not going to ask people for approval who I know will rarely approve. I'm just going to trust myself! :) I'm going to work hard to be a caring person and a supportive person. To work on not being judgmental. I want to learn how to become more patient and how to slow down and relax! I'm going to continue seeking mindfulness and understanding. I want to conquer my worries.

Most of all though, I'm just grateful to have 2014 as another year of new potential and new beginnings.  I'm wishing all of you the same and the most heart-felt and full of gratitude HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

With Lots and Lots of Love,

xoxoxoxoxoxoox,
Lauren