I'm SOOO fortunate, and thankful and grateful and I'm sure I have NOTHING to complain about. But I've just been feeling a little drained lately, and tired and not up to all the challenges. :(
This summer has been too much so far, which came on the tails of seven months of too much work at school, which followed five and a half months of too much work at home as my house was being torn apart and I was trapped inside with it everyday. Basically, I've had no daily life to myself since March of 2010. I have stuff that I need to get done peoples! There's no end in sight, maybe October. Maybe. I hope.
I need a break so badly. Which ironically would not ideally come in the form of nothing to do, or a beach with a book, but rather stretches of uninteruppted time where I could simple get to the grocery store, or cook for my family, or clean out the garage or work on my portfolio.
Sometimes you just know, you feel and you know when your life is not jiving the way it should be. You know when you need more boundaries and better solutions. Often times, there's nothing you can do, but hang in there, and plan a way to get back on track once the dust settles.
I don't regret buying the new house, not one single bit. Everyday I'm amazed that this little place is really ours! Well, it's not just "ours", this house belongs every bit to the people who lived there long long ago. Like Ann and Betsey, John and Mary Jane.
We bought the house, just as my massive, seven month volunteer project was wrapping up. The project that I didn't really exactly feel sure about doing, that blindsided me with enormous hours, keeping me busy every weekday, many evenings and many weekends. I was more than ready for a break, but buying the new house was a one shot chance! Something we'd been hoping for, for a long long time.
Now we're several months in, and due to many hold-ups and an ever growing fix-it and change-it list, everything is behind. It's stressful. The days and weeks are stretching and we teeter on a questionable move-in date that keeps getting further off.
I'm stressed about the new house, the never ending to do lists, the decisions, the multiple daily trips over there, with wild acting, crabby child in tow. The enormous bleeding of money. The lack of floors, kitchen, bathroom and some ceilings.
I'm stressed about our current house. How much I have to pack, how will I ever accomplish it?Organize and purge, sell and donate. Box and move. I'm on my own with this.
Oh my God. We have so much stuff, and we're moving to a home with much less storage. I have nightmares.
I'm stressed because just a few weeks from now, my next volunteer project will begin. Yet another one that I'm doing because I didn't have strong enough boundaries. Like I'm not going to already be busy enough next month. Fudge!
I'm stressed because (please don't question this) my child was not able to tolerate camp as planned this summer, we had to withdraw him, and I have no extra money for babysitting. So my time is consumed with renovating a new house, getting ready to move my current house, AND I am caring for my little kiddo with no help. Every.single.day.
I think having more than one child must be very very hard, but at least the children can play with each other, or keep each other company. My son now has trouble being in another room from me. I have a 24/7 shadow. I just need some breathing space.
I'm stressed because said kiddo is also having problems. Problems that I'm not sure I want to discuss here or not. In the grand scheme of things, he's fine, but in a non-traditional way, he has some special needs and I have little support. :(
Oh, and Jon doesn't have great vacation time, he's taken no time off this summer and has travel four times in the past six weeks. In fact, he's been in California since early Monday morning. It's 11:51 pm on Friday and he's still not home.
Thank you universe for everything. I have gratitude, but please please please....I need a little break.
I know all things must pass. It'll be fine and jolly soon. But sometimes, when you're in the thick of things, it's just a lot to muddle through.
Ok, thank you internets. Just venting made me feel better already.