Urrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh............ (sound of me stretching, then hunching over a three dollar coffee, unable to block out background noise because my ADHD is making me CRAZY)
Most nights, when I'm lying there is bed, stressing over everything in life from large to small, one of those little ones on the list floats through my head. I say to myself "Shit! I need to blog, I need to blog, I need to start again tomorrow." I love blogging, I thoroughly enjoy writing and have since I was a little kid. Truth be told though, I don't do it so much anymore for a number of reasons that I just can't seem to sort out. For one, time is a huge problem at the moment. I know I've been whining for over a year now about how hard it is to parent Mr. Noah, how he is an intense, intelligent little whirlwind that sucks every ounce of energy out of you. Listen folks, it's true, it really is. He has the boundless energy, enthusiasm and stubbornness or all two year old boys, and then he has an extra "power pack" or something and I am zapped. You wouldn't think writing would take a lot of energy, but it does. It takes brain power that I just don't have much of by the end of the day. Seriously, my brain seems so mushy.
I regret that I haven't even been keeping up with phone calls to fabulous friends who live far away. My brain, my mouth, it shuts down by 8:00 and I become a "Mommy Blob", I iron our cloths for the next day, lay down, read and pass out. So, as much as I'd love to blog in the quiet of the night, it's not working so well.
I've been searching for a window or two to type during the day. I figured this would be a good time, but alas, my child has nearly given up napping much to my desperate pleading, begging and reading of dozens of parenting books. It makes me nuts. I don't get a break to really sit down for a quiet half hour or two and write. Even Noah's minimal time at nursery school has been pared down. He's been having a rocky time lately, crying suddenly on and off throughout the morning. At one point, I was being called to pick him up two out of the three mornings because they couldn't console him. I love his teachers, they are pros and for many years have been consoling dozens and dozens of two year olds, but Noah rains some kind of intense drama upon them that they just can't at times seem to decode. I swear, the tears come pouring out and as soon as he sees me, it's all smiles and "Mama, I go Nana's green house, let's go adventure in black car!" He's such a faker, but so was I...
So now I only have limited time to get my errands done, to clean the house and get to appointments. I drop Noah off and have just two hours to run my errands and turn around to get him. The school is about 12 minutes from our house, so when I do grocery shop I need to rush across town to the store, shop, race home to put away the frozen food and race back to school. I do this once a week and on Wednesdays, most of my time is taken up by my weekly shrink appointment, so that only leaves two hours free on Fridays, but there are always other errands to be done, nothing left for writing or relaxing.
A second reason I've put posting to the wayside, is that I am just so embarrassed of what a poor writer I have become. Unless I have tons of time to write and re-write, wrack my exhausted brain for the correct words, catch my numerous grammatical errors, spell check over and over, my posts are in my opinion, pretty crumby. There is no better feeling, (at least for me) to write something that has been polished to perfection, that you post or hand in and just know it's good. I don't really have the time to do that with blogging and I hate to put sub-standard writing on this site.
I have been starting to think I need a new, more "c'est la vive" approach to all of this. I'm going to try to post as many days a week as I can. Even if they are quick, two sentence things, with poor sentence structure. I'll post, because hey, it's better than nothing, right?
Well, this boring old post has taken me at least three stop and start writing sessions throughout the day. It's time to end it. So "Hi Again" and thanks for reading.