I just took out an old messenger bag from my San Francisco days. I used it to carry my laptop this afternoon. Inside a tiny pocket, deep within, I found my Jordi Labanda note pad. It's tiny, fits in my palm. On the front of the flip pad is an old black and white of city block and super imposed on top of that is an illustration of two cute guys. One looks just like a boy I dated in college. I would scribble hear and there in this note pad as I trapsed across the city. So when I found this lost record of my "Lost Weekend" in SF, I nearly cried when I read this: "05/09/03- I am at Tarrefazione Italia Coffee Shop on Union St.".
Argh! My God! Did I make a million and one mistakes!? Moving back home from San Francisco, having Noah, buying our house, working for family, these are major decisions that we had to make in the space of a year and a half and they haunt me! I have a WONDERFUL life, just so blessed, but it changed so quickly. No time to look back. Jon and I struggled like crazy about leaving SF. We decided to do it in the end for a billion reasons. We weighed the pros and cons over and over and over. For career, money, family, future and then some we decided to leave. It still hurts, it still stings. I'm not one to be depressed ok...I was always "The smile girl" , I won the mock award for "puts a smile on your face" in high school. BUT....when I think about leaving that life behind in SF, I do feel so depressed. BUT....when I was living there, I missed my family so much, I hated not knowing anyone, not having a job or school, hated the California weirdness, the panhandlers out my door. I hated taking the train, being afraid of people strung out on drugs pacing the platform, hated the earthquakes. It's like I can't win. Which was the right decision? In SF, you need to be wealthy enough to have two cars and live in a place that doesn't have beggars at your door. There is a lot of resources for he homeless in SF, it's just the ones begging for drug money that scared me and made me angry.
It's just like...I made a bunch of decisions so quickly. Although my life is great and blessed, it's just not for me, at least right now. I wish I was back in San Francisco, talking to creative strangers in cool coffee shops. We had the weekend to explore the coast and the money for dinners at amazing restaurants instead of diapers. I could wear a pink dress over orange pants and people would compliment me, not stare like they do here.
We've thought about moving back. In the end though, I'd still miss my family and it would kills my parents and Jon's if we moved Noah so far away. It's super expensive there too. Although Jon and I have started to think Noah might be our last kid, so maybe SF is more do-able that way. It's just so hard.
Is it normal to feel like such a shlubby dork? Like a Mom who's whole being is squelched? I was like "Cool" in May of 03'. I was sitting at this fabulous Italien cafe, outdoors. They have a great Mocha and then later that day we went up to Stinson Beach in Marin. Now we go to Target. How sucky.
What do we do? Ok, I know we do what is best for Noah first, but then what? It's best to have him be near to his family, but also good to let Noah see the world, great museums, gorgeous nature... Oh, but you know what? I just read that scientists say that seriously this time, a BIG quake is heading for the penninsula. Life is dangerous. Just pray you're not on the MUNI train as I did each time we went underground and live in a retrofitted place. We'd be fine.
Barf, everyone is losing their jobs. Today is "black Tuesday" at GM. SO many job cuts are coming. I really hope my friend's husband is ok, he works for GM. I'm worried. In times like this, how could Jon leave a family business where he wouldn't be laid off?
Usually it takes people many many years to marry, move, have kids, buy a house. They shape who they are over time. I feel like I've been kind of tossed around from hip, young city dweller, to married old, not cool lady in the burbs with kid. This make me so confused sometimes.
Bush's chief of staff resigned. Bush said he was ready to go on to something new, out of the public eye. Ok, HELLO...he obviously did not agree with what Bush and his staff are doing. You just don't leave your leader in the midst of his term unless you don't like what is going on. What was Bush's approval rating last week? 39% This speaks for it's self. Yucky. I say we get a Clinton back in the white house!