Friday, February 10, 2006

Target and Toddlers: A primer on what to Expect

Before children: Hop in the car, go to Target, get shopping done at a leisurely pace.
Newborn: Allow 10 extra minutes to bundle up baby in baby carrier, grab diaper bag. Hope he sleeps through the trip. Shop as long as you want, at least until he wakes. Get what you need and go.

Allow yourself an extra 30 minutes to get to Target. Get the baby in Hat coat, shoes. Pack up a bottle, toys, blanket, binkie, snacks and the "Floppy" to cover the shopping cart seat. Shop at break neck speed while praying to the Gods that your kid does not have a melt down and/or poops while at Target. Once the last toy and only bottle goes flying out of the cart, it's time to leave. You forgot the toilet paper. You're in trouble.

Allow yourself an extra hour to get to Target and an extra hour to get your shopping done. (Like that will ever happen). Put child's hat, coat , shoes on. Turn your back for one nano second, only to find they are all off again. Fight child to put hat, coat, shoes on again. Gather up your purse, be sure to add a sippy cup, snacks, toys, blankey,binkie and the "Floppy" for when your kid will never agree to sit in the seat. Fight your child again as he's taken off all of his clothes this time. Go out to the car, try to push his rigid body down into the carseat. He only want to touch the light on the ceiling of the car. Fight to get him in the seat until the neighbors look out their window to see what you are doing. He has pooped...go back inside for a change and start all over again. Get to Target. Attempt to put your toddler in the cart. He has a melt down. Deflect the other shopper's stares by laughing nervously. The binkie doesn't work anymore, let him down to walk. Immediatly he heads for the feminine hygiene aisle. That's weird. Follow your toddler around the store for an hour. Let toddler push cart so as not to risk yet another tantrum. Secretly wish you were not a stay-at-home Mom so you could actually go to Target ALONE on your lunch hour. Don't get anything off your shopping list, except buy the pink beaded, heart-shaped drink coaster he chew on when he found it on the floor. You don't need a coaster. You need toilet paper! Give up, go home. When your husband comes home at 6:00 and offers to watch said toddler so you can go to Target, even though you have been on your feet all day, chasing said toddler since 7:00am with no real break and you still need to make/eat dinner....get annoyed and just ask him to go for you. Over cheese cubes and green beans and cherrios you take a deep breath and remember that Target will always be there and that someday your toddler will have one's just karma.

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Bree said...

Oh dear. That sounds about right. If I told you what my trips to Target were like you would pee yourself laughing at me. The other day I tried to use one of those carts with the double seat. I got caught on the curb and people were HONKING at me. I don't even know why I go with 3 kids. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

Kendra Lynn said...

I was just going to say, try it with TWO toddlers, but Bree beat luck to you, Bree!

Lauren, I totally do the sheepish, nevous laugh! I hate that! LOL I should just say, "I know my kid is being a brat, but if I spank her, you will call Child Protection Services on me! So...I just let her scream."

Love ya.


Judy said...

Bwahaha! I love it! That is Target TO A T!!! I usually bribe cart sitting with a pretzel, though. His mouth is too busy to worry about getting down and walking!

Amanda said...

The only way I can even make it for 20 minutes with my 2 is to get the Popcorn Special. $1 buys me a Diet Coke and the kids a popcorn to split (I have them give me an extra bag). Buys me some time, if nothing else. Of course, someone has to follow us with a broom!

Penny Pressed said...

Good to see I'm not the only mother who has heard the siren song of Dark Lord Target.

It was there, in fact, that a questionably-intentioned gentleman most likely took down my plate number. It was lunchtime, dangerously close to naptim. I shouldn't have even been out of the house, but toilet paper does not buy itself. We had gone the entire trip without incident, but now in the home stretch--the car seat strap-in--my son began flailing and writhing, arching his back and screaming. This attracted the attention of a pedestrian who began passing baaaaaaaack and forth in front of my car, staring me down and likely assuring himself that he was just doing his part in the prevention of certain child abuse.

jess said...

baby sling: the two words that have made all my trips to target with a newborn and infant easy, pleasant and successful

Carissa said... youngest isn't interested in the sling now unless she's wiped out tired, but the sling used to be my #1 parenting tool and best gadget ever! Life is so much easier with a baby/toddler in the sling!

Judy said...

Lauren - just checked out your post over at or wherever I was - WOW! Noah's pic was up too! Rock on, girl! :-)